Sigh

I think I suffer from depression. Some days life is great and then some days I just wish things were different. And because I don't see much opportunity for change, I feel stuck with my current life. I feel like I'm going to be doing this shit forever because its not really much else I can convince people to let me do.

I'm good at being crafty but I do not know how to monetize it. I'm good at helping people with their life and being a motivating factor but I'm pretty horrible at doing that shit for myself.

I just want to cry because I really feel like I'm never gonna get what I want out of life. And Idk if that will be because of me, or because of something else. I guess I don't know what I really want. I guess I'm taking my life seriously and doing the things that I need to do in order to get where I want to be. I'm settling and I can feel it and it does not make me happy one bit. I just feel so blah and looking for some kind of adventure that makes me feel good about the journey I've decided to take.

Right now, I just feel like everything is cool. Life is stable. Life is at a place where I'm not really worried about too much. I don't have much money to do shit and I think thats what makes me sad about life more than anything. My job is cool and I am grateful for it. I appreciate it. But I wish there was ways that I could make more money. I try to live each day for the moments, but the shit that excites or entertains other people that I am surrounded by only bores the fuck out of me.

Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever satisfy me. That I will always be looking for something better. That even when I get the things that I say I want, I never really want them once I get it. Or I find reasons why I should just let it go and try at something different.

Some days I just really want to get the fuck away from my life and experience some new shit. It's kinda scary for me to have to put myself in new situations but its refreshing to my soul at the same time. I feel so alive when I'm doing things that make sense to me. And right I guess, a lot of the things that I do, in the grand scheme, don't really make sense for me.

I always think back to that journal writing for Mr Ranes where I said I wanted to be known for doing something good in the world. I want to be able to say I made it my way. Not that I did it alone, but that I got there by being me, myself and I.

Life can be so stressful at times. And I feel like I'm complaining because compared to others, my life is not bad by no means. But compared to where I see myself and where I want to be, I know I can do better. And I know what I'm currently doing is not going to get me where I want to be. Because I guess I don't really know for sure where I want to be. It changes every day.

One day I'm cool with life, the next I want some change. But I think thats moreso because I don't see things changing in the near future so I try to make myself happy but something always reminds me that I truly want more for myself and my life.

Been a Minute, Back Up in it, Bout to lean on it

Hi.

Just wanted to check in with myself really quick, since I'm really the only person who reads this blog. 2014 is starting off great. No complaints. I have a new car. Its a convertible like I've always wanted. I've been working on trying to raise some funds so that I can pay my car off by the end of next year or sooner. I can't be paying on this car for the next 6 years of my life. That's way too long.

I've been teaching myself computer science. I recently found out about paracord bracelets and macrame and all the cool ass shit you can make from that. I see a couple money making opportunities that I need to get on. My 10 year class reunion is one of them. We need shirts and all kinds of shit.

I feel good about things. Financially. And I'm in a good place personally. I pray to God I'm able to keep it up. Hopefully I'll be back with much more great news as the year goes on.

Strippers

I'm looking for some. For very specific reasons. Aye!

Big Tings a Gwan

Got some good news on Friday. Hopefully things continue to work out in my favor. God I know Imma need your help on this. I got bills that need to be paid, and money that got to be made. And I could actually get started on both ideas that I have to make some money, as well as help other people in my community make some money as well. Things are coming together. I can feel it. Praise God. Thanks again! Just let me know what I need to do next. I'm definitely gonna need some favor in finding money to decorate and bring to life the vision in my head for how I want the store to look. All white floors and walls. I've always dreamed about that. Gotta make it happen. And I don't actually foreseeing it being a lot of work either. Its a good thing I know a lot of carpenters and electricians and people who do that type of hands on work. I'm gonna try to keep my excited-ness at bay until I hear what the real estate rep has to say on Monday. I pray that its a reasonable price that I can afford and that I can get the building ASAP and be open by October 1st so I can do some things for Halloween.

Committing to this idea kind of scares me but I know me and I know if I'm just a lil scared, it might actually be good for me. I think this is an opportunity where I can actually build something that I've always dreamed of. And I could run a business that I could be proud of and satisfied with. At least for a little while. And who knows what could become of it. I could start a franchise thrift store. Or I could go to other small towns and help them build their own boutique style thrift stores that they can be proud of. I can help raise money for causes. I can have events for people to have something to do. Its a million ideas going through my head but I guess I better secure the building first. Fingers crossed and breath held God. If this is a path that you feel is good for me and that I would excel at and be able to enjoy life as well as run and operate my own business, I'm ready to strike out on my own path and do my own thing and I can't wait!

Ideas Evolving

So in talking to a couple people, a few of my ideas have involved into a safer money maker option for myself where I am not paying rent and having to come up with a specific amount of money each month to stay afloat. I can still do what I want to do but I could also create opportunities for other people to make money as well. I am thinking of start a flea market. I need to come up with a better word. That sounds so unappealing. But I'm excited about it because its very low start up cost. A lot of the things that I need to operate I could borrow from someone. Or it would not cost that much for me to purchase certain items if I needed to. And then I could provide a service to people who have used items and make goods that they want to sell but they don't necessarily want to just set up anywhere and sell them.

This idea is getting better and better. For me and for other people. God, please allow me to find some people willing to let me use their buildings or parking lots to house my flea market until I can find a stable lot for us to operate out of. Amen. I'm excited! YAY ME!

I'm all over the place

I've been out of town on vacation and its been cool. I haven't really been too productive as far as developing my ideas, but I have had a couple brainstorming sessions where I wrote a lot of things out. I've been developing various screenplay ideas, as well. That's kind of exciting. One of them is gonna be a comedy but it has a pretty sci-fi type feel to it. The other one is a love story of sorts. A fucked up version of love but a love story nonetheless. Then another one is about some hit men. And another one develops one of the hit men characters even more. I'll have one idea and it will lead to 5 and next thing I know I have five under developed ideas that go nowhere. I really need to start setting up designated times to work on finishing these ideas. Its writing the dialogue that is the worse part to me. That's the most time consuming because you have to really think how would each character naturally respond to a situation because as crazy as they may be, you want their responses to be believable, even if its shocking. I just have to give myself deadlines or something. 

Next item on my brain is computer programming. I'm still into that, but I'm more into the ideas part than the actual developing of the ideas. I really need a programmer on my team. I'm going to talk somebody into it, so we can get this money. The quest continues lol. 

What else? I would be drawing a blank right now. I probably shouldn't have necessarily took a vacation this month. I should have been on my shit tryna make money, but I'll get to that. I needed a break to clear my mind and get my ideas in order and work some things out. I've actually decided on a great idea to help fund my consulting business. I'll get to work on that when I get home. I have a couple different options for how I can get that started. I think that idea will go well. And I think I can get more people on board and support of that idea than anything else right now. Idk why I feel I need people's support but its nice. I guess I really need to pray for God to send me some support because the people I have around me may not necessarily be what I need to get me through to what I want to do. I'm learning that. 

I just came back to say one more thing...

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!!!!

I see a very large market for what I want to do. And therefore, its money to be made, best believe a nigga clocked in.

That is all.