I think I suffer from depression. Some days life is great and then some days I just wish things were different. And because I don't see much opportunity for change, I feel stuck with my current life. I feel like I'm going to be doing this shit forever because its not really much else I can convince people to let me do.
I'm good at being crafty but I do not know how to monetize it. I'm good at helping people with their life and being a motivating factor but I'm pretty horrible at doing that shit for myself.
I just want to cry because I really feel like I'm never gonna get what I want out of life. And Idk if that will be because of me, or because of something else. I guess I don't know what I really want. I guess I'm taking my life seriously and doing the things that I need to do in order to get where I want to be. I'm settling and I can feel it and it does not make me happy one bit. I just feel so blah and looking for some kind of adventure that makes me feel good about the journey I've decided to take.
Right now, I just feel like everything is cool. Life is stable. Life is at a place where I'm not really worried about too much. I don't have much money to do shit and I think thats what makes me sad about life more than anything. My job is cool and I am grateful for it. I appreciate it. But I wish there was ways that I could make more money. I try to live each day for the moments, but the shit that excites or entertains other people that I am surrounded by only bores the fuck out of me.
Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever satisfy me. That I will always be looking for something better. That even when I get the things that I say I want, I never really want them once I get it. Or I find reasons why I should just let it go and try at something different.
Some days I just really want to get the fuck away from my life and experience some new shit. It's kinda scary for me to have to put myself in new situations but its refreshing to my soul at the same time. I feel so alive when I'm doing things that make sense to me. And right I guess, a lot of the things that I do, in the grand scheme, don't really make sense for me.
I always think back to that journal writing for Mr Ranes where I said I wanted to be known for doing something good in the world. I want to be able to say I made it my way. Not that I did it alone, but that I got there by being me, myself and I.
Life can be so stressful at times. And I feel like I'm complaining because compared to others, my life is not bad by no means. But compared to where I see myself and where I want to be, I know I can do better. And I know what I'm currently doing is not going to get me where I want to be. Because I guess I don't really know for sure where I want to be. It changes every day.
One day I'm cool with life, the next I want some change. But I think thats moreso because I don't see things changing in the near future so I try to make myself happy but something always reminds me that I truly want more for myself and my life.